Do you believe that your children’s personalities are
in-born or developed? Personally, I think it is both. Looking at my children I
see so much of my husband and I in them and I see so much of what we are not as
well. This post, I’m going to focus solely on my daughter because my sweet boy
is still in the process of developing his personality. Being my first born, my
daughter always threw me off the loop, everything is “first time” with her and
she keeps me guessing on what I have to do and how to deal. Just when I think I
have this whole motherhood gig figured out, she throws a big curve ball that
gets me scratching my head again. I question myself, is this me? Is this my
husband? Did I make her this way? Most of the time I do answer “well yeah, I’m
dealing with a little me!” and there are times where I’m just lost and ask,
“how do I deal with this?” Now whether she was born with this or she developed
it one thing I do know now for sure, she’s a willful one!
Strong willed, stubborn, headstrong…I don’t know if it’s
true for everybody but these words have such a negative connotation. Dealing
with my daughter now, I will tell you, “hey, it’s not.” As much as she
challenges me with her stand-her-ground personality, I’ve come to appreciate it
and now know this is just a part of her. I look ahead in the future and think,
she has conviction, some guts on this little one of mine, she fights for what
she wants. That’s a good trait, that’s a trait that will get her somewhere. I
just need to try to hone that trait to be used more for good than bad.
Stubbornness is like a superpower and it comes with great responsibilities! Willfulness
of a toddler comes with screaming and crying, even hitting and kicking,
throwing things, walk outs, meltdowns. So, moms, when you see a parent dealing
with that, no, don’t pity her, that’s not needed but don’t judge her either,
that won’t help.
I’ve come to realize that my daughter will only throw a fit
for things that truly matters to her. I will tell you that my daughter is
actually a good follower. There are far more things that she follows than ones
she truly fights me for. She has proven many times that she can and will follow
if it matters to me, like limited screen-time, eating her meals, taking a bath,
no hitting, being nice to her brother, bedtimes, politeness etc. As stubborn as
she is, she is actually the sweetest and kindest little girl. For Isla, it’s
things like playing outside the house or wearing her favorite princess dress,
wearing her favorite pair of shoes-- small things that can trigger the biggest
and I tell you, theatrical reactions and emotions. Strong willed children have
strong beliefs on what they want. Realize that things we say no to or things we
force on to a strong-willed child actually makes them feel violated.
Acknowledge that. Respect their feelings of being displeased even if it doesn’t
make sense to you. Allow them to feel angry if you made them go your way
instead of theirs. This is one of the biggest realizations and it has helped
not just me in dealing with her emotions, but it has helped her get over her
emotions much quicker as well since she feels that she got her point across.
You can put your foot down. On certain occasions, when what
they want truly doesn’t make sense. Know however, that dealing with a
strong-willed child who will scream and cry even kick and hit when they’re
fighting for something means putting your foot down quietly and gently. I’ve
noticed that I’ve had better results dealing with her in the calmest manner,
the more she screams, the calmer my voice gets. How I put my foot down is
solely by not giving in. I don’t argue, I don’t fight or scream back at her, I
just don’t give her what she asked for. A big example of this which I’ve dealt
with several times with her is staying outside. Isla has been refusing to go
inside our home after coming from daycare or any activity outside for that
matter because she would rather play outside. It’s the middle of winter and we
can’t stay outside for that long. I don’t say much, but I carry her in while kicking
and screaming and let her throw her fit inside the house. I keep it short and
say it’s too cold and we have to be inside. I leave her and let her have her
moment. I come back and remind her that when she’s ready she can come and join
me but I leave her again. Nagging your child or comforting her during “fit”
phase will not do either of you any good. Learn to give each other the space
and yes, turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to whatever tantrums she is throwing.
Check in with her from time-to-time and remind her to try to calm down and just
make sure she is not hurting herself, because yes, they fight so hard it can
come to that.
I find that limitations and choices are your best compromise.
If you know that saying “NO” will trigger a fit, then don’t say that word.
Offer a choice, “I want ice cream for breakfast”…my answer, “will you take
cereal instead? How about a peanut butter sandwich?” If she truly wants ice
cream, hey, one day of that won’t harm her so allow it. I make sure to remind
her before giving it to her that this is only for today and she can only have 3
spoonfull of it then normal breakfast has to be eaten. Make sure to pick your
battles. Remember that you are battling your child and question, is it worth
hurting her or yourself, because I am sure you hurt too when you two fight.
I’ll end this blog with a message to my Isla, “baby, it’s
been a joy being your mother, I love you and all your little quirks”. I want to
also send a message to my mommas with your strong-willed children. They are
ours and they deserve the biggest understanding and acceptance to come from us.
This is who they are but don’t let it define them because it doesn’t. My child she
is kind, she’s smart, she’s silly, she is creative, SHE IS STRONG-WILLED.
No comments:
Post a Comment