The decision to start a family took sometime to make, I had to be convinced by Jeb, I was just not as confident as he is with being a parent. I am an aunt of 3 boys (my babies, Ethan, Enzo and Lucas) and I was really good at that but that doesn't mean I'll be a good mom right?! The anxiety of having something or in this case, someone you have to be responsible for is huge! I feared it more than anything else in my life. I was not 100% on board.
Life however, has a funny way of throwing you a fast ball. On November of 2015, I found out that I was pregnant. We had plans of starting a family but didn't expect it so soon, we had an "oops!" moment (parental guidance is advised lol!) and it happened. I called my bestfriend first in shock and we both were crying, joking around our concerns that our party life is over. But the overwhelming feeling of fear quickly turned to excitement and I shared my happy news to the family and eventually to Jeb. I even prepared a way to surprise him, gave him a gift box, told him it was an early Christmas gift from a coworker, but inside were baby items like wipes, diapers, baby bottle and underneath it was the pregnancy test I took (eewww! haha). It was the happiest and most surprised I've seen him. We were teary eyed, we hugged and kissed and got more excited to share the news to his family and some of our other closest friends. I didn't think I'd be this happy about this news, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a mom but when it happened, I felt I could do this and looked forward to seeing a mini Janelle or mini Jeb.
I then called my OB and asked to be seen right away, make sure everything is good, normal and safe since two weeks prior to finding out I was pregnant I also found out that I now have hypothyroidism. A condition that means my thryoid gland is not producing thyroid hormones which is responsible for a lot of things especially when you're pregnant or planning to be pregnant. Unlike most hypothyroidism that starts during pregnancy, I have it because I had graves disease which when treated caused the hypo. I was even told conceiving can be quite difficult and if I do conceive I will be followed closely, so you can imagine my surprise when I got pregnant so quickly. So OB appointment was scheduled, to my delight on my 30th birthday, December 10.
The night before the appointment, I had spotting but not to a concerning amount so I ignored it and was just ready to see the OB. The morning of my appointment, my birthday, I had more spotting but tried to downplay it as it stopped after taking a shower. I was just eager to get to the OB and hope he can help me with my concerns. When I got to the OB, I immediately told them I was spotting, they made me pee in a cup and while waiting I received greetings from the nurses there, which just made me more excited. That excitement shattered minutes after, the OB came back in and bluntly said, "so you're having a miscarriage." He said it so casually like it was just meant to happen. He did not ask me if I had questions, I was too shocked to ask any anyway. He said, don't try again for another 6weeks and left the room. My heart was absolutely broken. It's my birthday and I just got one of the worst news I've ever gotten. How do I tell Jeb? I still have to go to work and how do I act then? I waited to get into the car before bursting into tears and then shared the bad news to Jeb, trying my best not to be overly dramatic about it but as soon as I hanged up, I cried more.
I decided to share this because of a realization I had that day. A few of them actually. One, you have to be careful with what you say, sometimes what you think you don't want is actually something you really want and you're just too scared to admit to yourself. I realized that I wanted to be a mother the day I lost the chance of being one. Two, is that things truly will happen in God's time. Maybe our first pregnancy happened to make me treasure my 2nd one even more. Maybe I lost it to teach me a lesson or maybe it was something scientific but for whatever reason, when God thought we were ready and we are able to handle it, he made us parents. Two months after losing baby #1, we conceived again with our Isla Jorge. The story of that is for another time though!
To those who have suffered the same fate as me and is devastated, just know, it is not your fault, nothing you do or could've done could've stopped what was meant to happen. Try again or don't but whatever path you choose to take, just know that you are not alone in your journey. I was not, my family and husband, my great friends got me through it, my faith got me through it.
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