Dealing with My Strong-Willed Child

Do you believe that your children’s personalities are in-born or developed? Personally, I think it is both. Looking at my children I see so much of my husband and I in them and I see so much of what we are not as well. This post, I’m going to focus solely on my daughter because my sweet boy is still in the process of developing his personality. Being my first born, my daughter always threw me off the loop, everything is “first time” with her and she keeps me guessing on what I have to do and how to deal. Just when I think I have this whole motherhood gig figured out, she throws a big curve ball that gets me scratching my head again. I question myself, is this me? Is this my husband? Did I make her this way? Most of the time I do answer “well yeah, I’m dealing with a little me!” and there are times where I’m just lost and ask, “how do I deal with this?” Now whether she was born with this or she developed it one thing I do know now for sure, she’s a willful one!

Strong willed, stubborn, headstrong…I don’t know if it’s true for everybody but these words have such a negative connotation. Dealing with my daughter now, I will tell you, “hey, it’s not.” As much as she challenges me with her stand-her-ground personality, I’ve come to appreciate it and now know this is just a part of her. I look ahead in the future and think, she has conviction, some guts on this little one of mine, she fights for what she wants. That’s a good trait, that’s a trait that will get her somewhere. I just need to try to hone that trait to be used more for good than bad. Stubbornness is like a superpower and it comes with great responsibilities! Willfulness of a toddler comes with screaming and crying, even hitting and kicking, throwing things, walk outs, meltdowns. So, moms, when you see a parent dealing with that, no, don’t pity her, that’s not needed but don’t judge her either, that won’t help.

I’ve come to realize that my daughter will only throw a fit for things that truly matters to her. I will tell you that my daughter is actually a good follower. There are far more things that she follows than ones she truly fights me for. She has proven many times that she can and will follow if it matters to me, like limited screen-time, eating her meals, taking a bath, no hitting, being nice to her brother, bedtimes, politeness etc. As stubborn as she is, she is actually the sweetest and kindest little girl. For Isla, it’s things like playing outside the house or wearing her favorite princess dress, wearing her favorite pair of shoes-- small things that can trigger the biggest and I tell you, theatrical reactions and emotions. Strong willed children have strong beliefs on what they want. Realize that things we say no to or things we force on to a strong-willed child actually makes them feel violated. Acknowledge that. Respect their feelings of being displeased even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Allow them to feel angry if you made them go your way instead of theirs. This is one of the biggest realizations and it has helped not just me in dealing with her emotions, but it has helped her get over her emotions much quicker as well since she feels that she got her point across.

You can put your foot down. On certain occasions, when what they want truly doesn’t make sense. Know however, that dealing with a strong-willed child who will scream and cry even kick and hit when they’re fighting for something means putting your foot down quietly and gently. I’ve noticed that I’ve had better results dealing with her in the calmest manner, the more she screams, the calmer my voice gets. How I put my foot down is solely by not giving in. I don’t argue, I don’t fight or scream back at her, I just don’t give her what she asked for. A big example of this which I’ve dealt with several times with her is staying outside. Isla has been refusing to go inside our home after coming from daycare or any activity outside for that matter because she would rather play outside. It’s the middle of winter and we can’t stay outside for that long. I don’t say much, but I carry her in while kicking and screaming and let her throw her fit inside the house. I keep it short and say it’s too cold and we have to be inside. I leave her and let her have her moment. I come back and remind her that when she’s ready she can come and join me but I leave her again. Nagging your child or comforting her during “fit” phase will not do either of you any good. Learn to give each other the space and yes, turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to whatever tantrums she is throwing. Check in with her from time-to-time and remind her to try to calm down and just make sure she is not hurting herself, because yes, they fight so hard it can come to that.

I find that limitations and choices are your best compromise. If you know that saying “NO” will trigger a fit, then don’t say that word. Offer a choice, “I want ice cream for breakfast”…my answer, “will you take cereal instead? How about a peanut butter sandwich?” If she truly wants ice cream, hey, one day of that won’t harm her so allow it. I make sure to remind her before giving it to her that this is only for today and she can only have 3 spoonfull of it then normal breakfast has to be eaten. Make sure to pick your battles. Remember that you are battling your child and question, is it worth hurting her or yourself, because I am sure you hurt too when you two fight.  

I’ll end this blog with a message to my Isla, “baby, it’s been a joy being your mother, I love you and all your little quirks”. I want to also send a message to my mommas with your strong-willed children. They are ours and they deserve the biggest understanding and acceptance to come from us. This is who they are but don’t let it define them because it doesn’t. My child she is kind, she’s smart, she’s silly, she is creative, SHE IS STRONG-WILLED.

Walking into 2019 with My #MomGoals

Sunglasses: Target * Coat and Flats: Zara 

Motherhood, what else is to say about it that we all don’t know about yet (if you’re already a mom that is). Yes, it’s hard and yes, it’s fulfilling. Over the past couple of years since starting my journey as a parent, I’ve never been so unsure in my entire life. Everyday is different, everyday presents a different challenge. I don’t know how others pull this off so graciously but I know I did not, the good thing is I pulled it off, how I looked or how I did it is beyond me now. This year seems to have started a little better than others, maybe because my strong-willed daughter is now two and can communicate better or maybe because my 1 year old is also starting to be a little bit more independent too. So, it got me thinking what should my 2019 #momgoals be.

This year, I want to give myself some focus. That’s #momgoals 1! Should I have waited 2years to do so, maybe not but each parent’s or mom’s experience and how they face the challenge of parenthood is so different. I took time to adjust and our household was faced with ever so changing set up (work schedules, daycare schedule and set up) and this is the first time I think I can actually take the time to eat my meals normally (have dinner on time), brush and fix up my hair, put on some make up, allow myself a glass of wine and a nextflix series at a time. It seems so dense but I still believe that how you look has a great effect on how you feel everyday too. I want to dress better, take time to make myself not look perfectly put together but less imperfect--add a blush, put on a good lip color, take time to do a skin routine, whatever it maybe that makes oneself better.

#momgoals 2, come on time. Whether this be at work or going home, I want to be on time this year. Well, to be honest, this is a goal I’ve had since I was single but even more important now and up in my list to achieve now that I am mom. What a difference it makes to actually be with your kids for dinner time. I’ve never been more out of time in my life than when I became a parent and being a working parent, 24hours is just not enough! Every minute literally counts and every minute missed or lost is a task undone.

#momgoals 3, organize and clean. I have to say I’ve neglected my home over the past couple of years and rightfully so since my little beings are far more important than my house looking like its straight out of pinterest. However, this year, I do want to arrange my home that it maybe of less maintenance for me. This means organizing, giving things its rightful places so that tidying up won’t be such a lengthy chore every day. And this equals to more QT with the kids!

#momgoals 4, live it. I want to live my parenthood more. Complain if I have to, have more breakdowns and not be so afraid to be judged for doing so. Be cheesy and capture when I have “aww” moments because how many of those am I still going to have? I want to write about it more, share about it more, learn about it more! I want to be less fearful of being the type of mom I want to be—what type is that? Janelle, that type. There shouldn’t be just one to five types of moms. We all have similarities, but will always have our flare, will always have our own touch. As I share more, I don’t want to make more moms be like me or for them to like me, I just want to be more me.  

So all, here’s to 2019 and wish me luck on these #2019momgoals of mine!

Involving your toddler/s at home more every day.

Believe me when I say, I’m not or at least no longer one of those parents who think that your kid or toddler should be off screen or that you should be that super parent that always has some cool activity for your children at all times. One, not all parents can afford to bring their children out to activities and two, screen time in moderation will not harm your children in my opinion. What I do love that we do at home with our kids which helped in both of those departments is actually involving them in our daily chores and activities. From cleaning, to making coffee, or cooking. This is great if you are in toddler stage right around 15-18months, where they’re always craving for something to touch or do or see and always are craving for your positive attention as well.

My daughter right when she turned 1yo suddenly showed interest in everything I did. She also started all sorts of ways to get my attention and was super clingy! I immediately had to make my adjustments at home or not much will be done. Also, when you’re a parent who is mostly alone with the kids (Jeb and my schedules are interchanged, I’m home and he’s not or he’s home and I’m not), you want to be able to do as much as if there’s someone else home with you. You can certainly find ways to maximize your time at home with the kids.  

We started letting Isla help us out, “play” with what I play with around 15months, which is my son's current age. He is now helping with closing the dishwasher door for me or opening a drawer if I need something, smaller things for younger ages and grows as they grow older. If I’m cleaning, they're cleaning with me, if I’m washing dishes, my daughter is right there with me too! Even when I’m home working, she’s “working” (playing with her toy laptop) too. Something so simple as letting her put forks and spoons in the dishwasher, letting her give me a hand in putting laundry in the basket, or letting her press the microwave buttons to heat my coffee allows you to have the following:

1.       Bond- you’re doing it together! What better way to bond than actually doing an activity together. Not just you and your child in one room, but you and your child helping each other, learning together, adjusting to each other. With your every “thank you” and “good job!”, he/she will feel so good being appreciated.

2.       Teach- you can count spoons and forks while putting them in the dishwasher; you can teach them open/close, inside/outside, top/under concepts while doing these too! If you’re doing laundry, colors are there, teach and practice it and again don’t forget to say your thank you’s and remind them they’re doing a good job! This also teaches you the most difficult thing to learn specially in parenting…PATIENCE!

3.       Play- keep every activity fun! Laugh, do “spoon cheers”, fastest one to put the shirt in the bin …everything is play with a toddler!

4.       Accomplish- yes, you probably could’ve done this faster if you hadn’t allowed her to play with you but you still got it done and with all the other 3 benefits mentioned above, you accomplished the chore and more!

One other minor benefit I also found is that it gave me less excuses to have the kids use my phone or TV to occupy them when I’m doing chores since they’re doing it with me. Of course, not to say I don’t take advantage of that great benefit of gadgets, I still do use them when I want things done faster due to timing. Those who know my kids know and will see that they love playing with mops, brooms, they’ll go to you if you’re washing dishes to help, wipe tables, water the plants, feed the dog etc. So already now at their young age, they’ve already grabbed the concept of helping, of being polite and of tidying up. Other things you can do, let them dust when you’re dusting, allow them to hold the broom after you’re done, allow them to water the plants, help giving your pet a bath. That’s really play for them more than it is a chore. You’ll also see that they’ll love the fact that they’re doing something with mommy or daddy. That’s an accomplishment for me, I taught them something good, something useful, something they may not necessarily learn from school but will be useful for them elsewhere.  I couldn’t be prouder that my two-year-old knows how to put her toys back in bins (most of the time not all times), that if I tell her to put her cup in the sink, she knows it and does it with no complaints, that she knows to care for our dog. For how long will she actually enjoy these, well…who knows! But I’m sure if I keep at it, maybe the fun will end, but the benefits will reap!